Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Randomize
