I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
