I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
