Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize