I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
