you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
