Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
