I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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