My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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