I met the friendliest cop last night
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
