haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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