Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
