Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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