Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
