My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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