Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
