We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
