Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize