just come out here and I will go home with you...
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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