Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
