he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
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