There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
