he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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