ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
