How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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