I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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