I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
