i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
