Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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