Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize