my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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