You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
