Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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