You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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