I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
