It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize