Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
