I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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