I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
