I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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