Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
