Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
