We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
The Olympian is in my bed
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
