Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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