I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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