Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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