Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
