Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
