you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
