I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
