You're so nebulous sometimes
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The beer is more important than you right now.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
