this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
this hospital has no fireball
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
