nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
