So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
She even gives head with a lisp.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
