she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize