i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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