Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
