I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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