I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
What a dumb baby whore.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
