My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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