If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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