So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize